1. Everyone has a photographic memory, but some don't have any film.
2.  Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
3. A day without sunshine is, like, night.
4. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
5. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
6. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
7. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
8. He was lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
9. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
10. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
11. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
12. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
13. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
14. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
15. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station... 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 

How come you never hear about gruntled employees? 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,"Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
 

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. 

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.
 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

 "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 "What does that tell you?"

 Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent." 
 

"Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Note: (P) = Problem and (S) = Solution.
 

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire. 

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. 

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit. 

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed. 

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level. 

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order. 

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground. 

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for. 

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious. 

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words. 
 

Artery ........... The study of paintings.
Bacteria ......... Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium ........... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign ........... What you be after you be eight. 
Catscan .......... Searching for kitty.
Cauterize ........ Made eye contact with her.
Dilate ........... To live long.
Enema ............ Not a friend.
Genital .......... Non-Jewish person.
Fester ........... Quicker that someone else.
Fibula ........... A small lie.
Impotent ......... Distinguished, well-known.
Nitrates ......... Cheaper than day rates.
Node ............. I knew it.
Outpatient ....... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis ........... Second cousin to Elvis.
Rectum ........... Damn near killed him.
Secretion ........ hiding something.
Tablet ........... a small table.
Terminal illness ..Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor ............ More than one.
Urine ............ Opposite of you're out.
Varicose ......... Near by/close by.
 

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. 

He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much, though, and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit. 
 

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
21. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
22. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
23. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise short story containing these four elements: 1) religion, 2) royalty, 3) sex, 4) mystery

The prize-winning story read: 'My God,' said the Queen. 'I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?' 
 

Puns Are the Lowest Form of Humor

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins---if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 

Note: If you're offended by blonde jokes, don't read any farther. Or read them but insert "brunette," "redhead" or the group of your choice. We're not against blondes, we're just FOR funny jokes.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First. 

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy . . . Doughnut seeds!

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken. 

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere I touch . . . My leg, my arm, my neck, and it even hurts when I touch my head!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" 
"Yes, I was," she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".

Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning?!"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband with a beautiful redhead! She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps up begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up . . . you're next!"

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.